After my last post I had a lot on my mind. It's so easy to get caught up with so many aspects and interests that sometimes you find yourself lost within them. I know that I enjoy coming here, sharing, blogging and what not but it is so easy to just share all the good stuff. I'm not saying that people want to be bombarded with the negative but I think more honesty should shine through the filters. I am always amazed and encouraged by those who do not stick to the cookie cutter ways of blogging. A friend that I have met through the wonders of internet, Amber, is one who is a good example of that. Her blog is honest, straight out truth from her heart to yours and I admire that. I feel that sometimes I hide behind things, to keep me safe and for others to continue to 'like' me. Always posting the good and cute. Actually, I had been thinking of things that I do not post here. I've made a mental list and now I will share it:
Things you will not read about in this blog:
- the times when my beloved daughter is getting on my last nerves and I am less than a model mother to her
- the way my frustrations has a way of manifesting through attitudes, comments or even lethargy
- being constantly hard on myself because I am not a size 2 like I once was before certain medications made me blow up right after I got married
- being bitter about said medications
- feeling ashamed every once in awhile that we live with my parents and are not out on our own
- wanting to stay within the bubble I have made for myself and not wanting to get out of that comfort
The list could go on but I think you get the idea. I also know that I am extremely subtle about my faith in God and I shouldn't be. I believe in Jesus Christ and I know that I am not the best christian at times and that I struggle with things. I know that sometimes I take my faith into my own hands when I am angry, frustrated or scared. I know that I put so many other things before Him to the neglect of my personal relationship with Him. I suppose where I am getting at is that I want to be more honest. About myself, about my life. It's wonderful when good things abound but it's those tougher times that really shape you into who you really are.
I don't want to be afraid to show who I really am (even if I am still too afraid to put a full body photo on here because I don't like how I look). My mind's perception is a bit screwed up, a bit selfish and a bit self-preserving. I'm too old to act like I am still in elementary school or high school for that matter. I want to be confident again. Confident in myself, confident in who He made me to be. I want to strive for life with what I have and be thankful for every bit of it. And I want to share what's good even through all the bad. So here I am and I will try...