04 June 2010

and the heart spills

I feel as if so much and so little has transpired. I guess what I mean is that so much time has gone by with not  many things in it. I suppose that is me most of the time though. Nat was sick for a good while and now she is better leaving me with a cold. It's okay though, I know it won't last so I'll take advantage of get away with a little more rest than usual :)

After my last post I had a lot on my mind. It's so easy to get caught up with so many aspects and interests that sometimes you find yourself  lost within them. I know that I enjoy coming here, sharing, blogging and what not but it is so easy to just share all the good stuff. I'm not saying that people want to be bombarded with the negative but I think more honesty should shine through the filters. I am always amazed and encouraged by those who do not stick to the cookie cutter ways of blogging. A friend that I have met through the wonders of internet, Amber, is one who is a good example of that. Her blog is honest, straight out truth from her heart to yours and I admire that. I feel that sometimes I hide behind things, to keep me safe and for others to continue to 'like' me. Always posting the good and cute. Actually, I had been thinking of things that I do not post here. I've made a mental list and now I will share it:

Things you will not read about in this blog:

  • the times when my beloved daughter is getting on my last nerves and I am less than a model mother to her
  • the way my frustrations has a way of manifesting through attitudes, comments or even lethargy
  • being constantly hard on myself because I am not a size 2 like I once was before certain medications made me blow up right after I got married
  • being bitter about said medications
  • feeling ashamed every once in awhile that we live with my parents and are not out on our own
  • wanting to stay within the bubble I have made for myself and not wanting to get out of that comfort
The list could go on but I think you get the idea. I also know that I am extremely subtle about my faith in God and I shouldn't be. I believe in Jesus Christ and I know that I am not the best christian at times and that I struggle with things. I know that sometimes I take my faith into my own hands when I am angry, frustrated or scared. I know that I put so many other things before Him to the neglect of my personal relationship with Him.   I suppose where I am getting at is that I want to be more honest. About myself, about my life. It's wonderful when good things abound but it's those tougher times that really shape you into who you really are.

I don't want to be afraid to show who I really am (even if I am still too afraid to put a full body photo on here because I don't like how I look). My mind's perception is a bit screwed up, a bit selfish and a bit self-preserving. I'm too old to act like I am still in elementary school or high school for that matter. I want to be confident again. Confident in myself, confident in who He made me to be. I want to strive for life with what I have and be thankful for every bit of it. And I want to share what's good even through all the bad. So here I am and I will try...


hello april


moonshinejunkyard said...

i love this. i'm excited for honest blogging, for people more and more interested in the real, the multi-faceted, often-painful, real life stories of difficulties and sadnesses, alongside the cheery and loveable. i've been going through a little bit of a tough time myself, though it pales in comparison to your health problems...and i feel you and love you for your openness. i think you have always been pretty honest here and i love all the things you do share. i didn't know you live with your parents! i live with my momma too. i like to think it is actually quite socially responsible to share adult households in this privacy-obsessed, wasteful, huge-house world! you have so much to be proud of and i love the amazing daughter you are raising and your gentle way with words and projects and creativity. i salute you friend!

Courtney said...

Andrea, it is so nice to hear from you. I've thought of your blog to be one of the more honest and heart felt, and your unique ability to share through your writing and art truly inspires me. The things you've listed just make you all the more human, please never be afraid. Also, Ethan and I are currently living with my parents too - it is what it is right now.

angelina said...

hi there. i can connect with those things you do not share. i know as i write there are family members 10thousandmilesaway from me reading my inner thoughts, and i always want them to be positive so that they are too. (sometimes i too want to scream how i REALLY feel,but i dont, i just listen to ANI DIFRANCO instead). connections between family and friends are happening only thru a computer for me these years, living abroad. chin up sweets, motherhood is hard and easy, such is life. every day is a winding road....lalala =)

Heather said...

Oh, Andrea, I know just how you feel. I struggle with so many of those same things. Its hard too when there are so many 'our life is perfect and zen peaceful' mommyblogs out there. Sometimes reading other people's edited reality makes your real reality come up short.
And I understand about missing the body you used to have....before little girls and all ;) but you have to be kind to yourself. Your body also created a miracle. You are BEAUTIFUl. Just look at that photo?!?!
Hugs to you from a frazzled mommy artist who is no where NEAR a size 2 ;)

krissy said...

I have often said that I would like to see more craft and art blogs from people who who don't live in beautiful houses and don't have to work full time. This is my insecurity coming up when I read blogs. I welcome honesty in blogging and real life. However, I do think we can tell too much and not wanting to show pictures of yourself or too much of your house for whatever reason is partly a privacy thing for me. Don't feel bad about wanting to keep things partly private.

You are so beautiful and talented. There is no reason for you to waste any more time feeling bad about yourself. Please.

gardenmama said...

Thank you for sharing your heart in this space Andrea.
Your photo and heart is beautiful. We certainly all have differing mindsets of life and of ourselves. We truly all live differently and focus on different things and that does not necessarily equate to edited versions of sharing for all.
Some blog because they have been through a difficult time with life and death circumstances and wish to share joy with others realizing after said experience that life is too short therefore wishing to bring this difficult lesson learned to others through sharing a bit of light. Warmest wishes of peace and healing to you Andrea. Follow your heart.

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Helena said...

I so appreciate your honesty and candour in this post. There are a lot of things I don't blog about either, as my list is not too dissimilar from yours. To be open and honest in all our blogging is a noble concept and one I will try to aspire to from now on!

Jessica said...

I am such a fan of honesty in blogging.

And let me tell you this, we ALL have moments (usually at least once daily) in parenting that we are too ashamed to share. It's being human.

My current post-cancer medication (Femara)causes some side-effects that did not seem like they would be that difficult to deal with & yet, they are. Joint pain, weight gain, vaginal dryness (yea, I typed that)...nothing too pleasant there, huh? And like you, I'm angry. I'm pissed off that I have to take a drug that makes me feel like avoid having my cancer return. I just want to enjoy my days--cancer-free. Why can't we all just enjoy our days (pain & sickness-free)?

Don't be hard on yourself. Gripe. Bitch. Complain. Make a snarky comment. You've already shown enough love & wonder & life awe in this blog...we all know the 'real' you. A few 'honest' posts aren't going to dull your shine. :)

Violet Folklore said...

What lovely comments this heartfelt post inspired! I am honored that you mentioned me, I really do strive to share the ugly alongside the beautiful.

I didn't know you lived with your parents either, and I think that is *awesome*. There was the sweetest article in Mothering magazine a few years back about multi-generational households, and I was/am so envious of folks who get to live like that.

And I very much like hearing that you are not the perfect parent! It is so easy, in all areas of life but especially parenthood, to believe that everyone else does it better than us. I feel like that is something I especially want to share with people- my parenting challenges, the times I yell, the times I want her to just go away for a few days- because between my two blogs it usually looks so rosy "Ooooh we eat good food and use herbs and look at these sweet golden ringlets!" Ha!

Thanks for sharing Andrea, you are the 4th of my favorite blogging ladies in the last few weeks to publicly commit to more honest blogging, and I love that!

Suzanne said...

Here here for being authentic!!
This post just makes me feel so normal, as a Momma, and a Woman, in this grand universe just trying to make it the best possible experience for me and my family!! Thanks for getting so deep Andrea :)