curlers, doctor visits, miniature golf and a retro camera (sort of)

This week has been an up and down week so far. There have been some good days and some not so. Tuesday was one of those days. The morning came and with it another attack leading to the inevitable ER visit. At least this time, the ER doctor got on the phone with my GI's office demanding why I haven't gone to USC yet. It worked. I had a consultation today and will be having several different tests done, hopefully within the next month. It was a little tough though, only because I really do try to have a handle on it all with the knowing that no matter what, this is all in His hands. Somedays, I find myself not as strong, not on my own at least and letting this whole thing kind of way heavily upon my mind and heart. At first I thought hearing an MD say this is a strange or unusual case was a bit amusing in some way. After you hear more than a handful say it, it can wear you a bit thin.

So that was that. In between all of this was some very nice family moments. Like movie night being moved to Wednesday and putting curlers in Nattie's hair. She looked so cute and vintage too and I loved every bit of it. After our trip from my consultation, we made a couple of trips with the last at Golf N' Stuff.  I uploaded an app on my phone earlier in the week called Retro Camera and love it so much! I'm taking almost every picture with it so please bear with me all the following photos ;)

waiting at the doc's office on wednesday to take a blood allergy panel test

waiting room

later that day getting some boba beverages

smile for boba!

it's curler time!

oh how we love it!

a work in progress

waiting at the USC Cardiothoracic department

waiting still

Golf N' Stuff!

a little train ride before we headed home.

owls and gratefulness

The days here in Southern California are fickle; going back and forth from overcast and drizzle to bright blue skies and sunshine. As I write this, I feel quite and still, trying not to give in to some discomfort in my body. Every day is day to day and I am thankful that for a good while now I have felt okay and not have had to make an ER appearance. Monday was another endoscopy with a new GI and so far, what the results tell me are: evidence of Grade I relux esophagitis of the esophagus. The mucose apperared granular. Evidence of erosive gastritis of the antrum. The mucosa appreared granular and erythematous. Evidence of nonerosive gastritis of the antrum. The mucosa appeared granular and erythematous. The duodenum appeared normal. I meet with the GI again in early June to go over the biopsy results and take it from there. 

My intent in this post was not to start off with this subject, so I apologize. Life is a mixture of so many things and though I do want to share all the good in my life (like most people do) there are shadows that lurk here too. This issue with my health is definitely one of them and in my attempt to always be real with myself and others, I share it here. 

With that said, I move on to the subject of things that make me happy. I am deeply devoted to my daughter as most mothers are to their children. There are obvious reasons why she is dear to me but I am also grateful just to have her. I am not sure if we will ever have another child again, not that we don't want to. All these issues add up and it can be very discouraging to know that this might be the extent of our family. Those times when I feel the pang of wanting more children, I just look at the one I  have been so graciously given and I am thankful. It amazes me how much she wants to be with me and wants to be like me. I am doing my best to hold on to every moment since there very well may be the day when she won't want the similarities anymore. For now I am grateful when she wants our tuesday movies (and/or games and spa) sleepover nights (just her and I, no daddy!) and when I rummage through her backpack and find her sweet little hand drawings of momma's favorite: owls.

Recently, in an email. I found out that Fresh & Easy Neighborhood Markets is having a contest. It's design the best bag ever and the winner of the contest gets free groceries for a year! I thought it would be fun to enter in, even though I know there will be thousands of amazing entries most likely. Nat was thrilled too, until she found out she could not participate because she is not old enough. That knowledge came as a blow and she was devasted. While consoling here, my brain was already trying to come out with what I would submit but that didn't last long. To ease her pain of not being able to draw something herself, she quickly came up with an idea for me to draw to enter in. How could I say no? I told her I would do this in her honor, to show her creativity through my drawing. Of course, her idea including an owl, a tree and a reusable bag. Here is her sketch she did for me and after is the final resuly I am submitting to the contest. 

I finished this last night while having our movie night in her room. She approved and gave suggestions (the color of the owl for example). She also wanted to include a eight point star above the owl and I traced over it for her. I am proud to submit this in and though I prepared her that we might not win (because she is sure we are) and told her the fun is in that we did it together. These are the little things that hold me up. Her enthusiam and her wanting to be a part of everything that I am. I pray every day for her and that the ties that bind us together will never be severed or damaged. I know she is becoming her own person with every day and I want to encourage her in that way but there is nothing like her fondness to be like me and like all the things I like too. 

As I wipe tears of joy off my face, I also wanted to share a couple of new things. I am putting it here not only to share, but to keep myself accountable for discipline. I have had the idea of littlebighead opening up another shop on etsy for awhile. A place to extend my love for the natural world of herbs, tea and more folklore ideas. A place to also serve the 'business' that Nat wants to have with me to sell our own blends of teas and herbal products. Awhile ago we agreed on the name Kindly Owl Herbs and I used it for my second twitter, herb and flower. I've held off on this idea for awhile with various other things taking precedent but now it's returned, thanks to the encouragement of my friend Helena. I won't say too much (yet) but we are currently collaborating on a line for both our shops (kindly owl and hers at faunfare) that I am pretty excited about. I am thankful for her organization and drive because it is certainly helping me out :) So more about this project as it continues in growth and in execution. 

For now, I wish everyone a blessed day. I have domestic duties, artistic endeavors and a commission job all waiting for me...

the extremely long story of what is still unknown

As most of you who are my friends (and family) know, I was in the hospital this past week. Many of my friends on facebook and here, know the things I have been going through and some are still finding out. I thought it would be much easier to blog about it here, to explain in detail, the events of this week.

I'll begin with last week when I had my fourth painful episode that lead me to the ER again. This time to a new hospital since our insurance changed in January. They did the usual thing, hooked me up on an IV and gave me zophran for the nausea and a narcotic to ease the pain. The same tests had been taken to only reveal the same thing as before: nothing so we will conclude (again) that you have GERD. Yes, we already know. (GERD is short for Gastroesophageal reflux disease, a condition in which the stomach contents whether food or liquid, leaks backwards from the stomach into the esophagus, the tube from the mouth to the stomach. This action can irritate the esophagus, causing heartburn and other symptoms).

Tuesday was just like any other day until I felt 'the burn' that begins the 'episodes'. I started with my first line of defense (good ol' mylanta) and when it wasn't quenched I resorted to my emergency medicines (nitrostat, darvocet and nifedipine). I called Rick to let him know what was going on and left in the message that I was remaining calm and was just going to wait it through. He called me back and it was beginning to worsen. Eventually, it began to subside and I was more happier than anyone. I mean, I just had an attack no less than a week before, there was no way it could be happening again this quickly, this close to the last one.

I thought it was going to all go away, or at least I wanted to believe that. Natalie's first t-ball game was later that afternoon and there was no way I was going to miss it. I did. The pain came back in full force, worse than earlier and I knew I had no choice but to go to the ER again. I was overcome with nausea (I have vomited in previous attacks), the pain was beginning to spread to my arms, I became very dizzy and my vision was beginning to get spotty. All I said to Rick was 'hospital' and walked, determined not to fall, straight to the car. I felt even worse for Nat, having to see me that way always kills me.

This time at the ER there were no beds available. I had to wait with the pain for so long. By this time it was early evening and I had hardly eaten anything. I usually try to eat something every few hours because I can feel the acid building. In this case, it was coming and going and I was starving. They finally called me in only to sit me inside the ER and talk to me. They decided to give me a narcotic shot. My dad had went to buy some crackers so I could eat something. I took two bites and couldn't eat anymore. Suddenly, the pain escalated again and I closed my eyes, told my mom to tell the doctor that it was getting worse and to get me some water. My mom came back with water, raised my head so I could take a drink and all I remember was my body rejecting the water.

I woke up in a haze, surrounded by a rush of people, poking things in me, putting an air mask on me and I was wondering why I was laying down and how I had gotten there. It took me a few minutes and eavesdropping to realize that I had passed out. That was actually the real ticket into the ER and later, into the hospital and for that (as much as it terrified my parents who were with me) I was thankful for. It would be the first time that extra measures were being taken to find out what's going on instead of just sending me home to wait for it to happen again.



I was completely out of it for awhile, constantly in between being awake and asleep with visions in my head of the last thing I remembered before passing out and how the pain made me feel. All I could think of was tiny dragons with their sharp, jagged skin and their fire breathing wrecking my insides. At least I was confident that I shouldn't worry about being in too much pain, I was at the hospital after all and medicines sure work fast when they are going through an IV.

The next few days basically consisted of talking with the Doctor who was overseeing me there, having a consultation with the GI specialist, taking a cat scan, a MRCP, and a EDG (endoscopy). The cat scan had showed that I had an enlarged common bile duct so they wanted to see it there was a stone lodged anywhere. Being as I don't have a gallbladder anymore, they had to rule out gallstones and I think the Doctor was a little surprised to hear that I hadn't had any of these troubles prior to the removal of the gallbladder. The MRCP didn't find any stones and so I had the endoscopy done (again).



The scope showed that I do have Gastritis (an inflammation (irritation and swelling) of the lining of the stomach) and a weak LES (the lower esophageal sphincter) which is all GERD related stuff. They also found that I have a hiatal hernia (a condition in which a portion of the stomach protrudes upward into the chest, through an opening in the diaphragm. The diaphragm is the sheet of muscle that separates the chest from the abdomen. It is used in breathing.) but nothing indicative to the symptoms of why I was in the ER in the first place.
Maybe that can explain why I feel nausea practically every single day, why food never settles comfortably in my stomach but after all the food restrictions and this, you would think I would be a twig by now but I am not. They have told me losing weight will factor in my GERD getting better but it's so hard when you feel like crap practically every day and you can't even bend down after you eat, or even hours after you eat. I am trying though, I'm walking and you should see the way I eat and what I eat but nothing yet. It's so frustrating when you are doing all that you can, taking a grip of medicine every day and taking a grip of medicine with you every where you go in case an episode decides to rear it's ugly head.



I was in the hospital for three days, waiting for results, waiting for answers. Rick had stayed home from work to help with Natalie and to help with me. He kept everyone updated via facebook as much as he could. He kept me encouraged with all the words and prayers from friends and family. He helped in badgering the Doctors with the right questions and suggestions we would have never thought of if it wasn't for a friend of ours from church who has gone through a similar ordeal with her very young daughter. It's far from over but according the hospital, they did all the tests they could do. Everything else we have to ask our primary doctor and GI specialist to help us get, like to find out if it could possibly be a mass cell disorder, or to request a 24 hour ph-probe that only hospitals like UCLA can do. Though we still do not know what the exact cause of all this is, it's nice to know that something was done to find out more of what's going on.

As I stated in my facebook status since coming home last night, thank you, thank you for all your prayers, thoughts and encouragement. my heart is overflowing with gratitude more than i can say. i'm very happy to be home now. we are still on a path to finding answers and healing but at least we have gone a few steps further instead of another stalemate...

I know it's not over but I must have faith that we will find answers and find healing. I know that He is close to the broken-hearted and to those who are suffering. I know that I can not rely on myself alone but in Him and in that I find my comfort.